I got one thing right

Before I became a parent, I had wonderful expectations and visions of family life that were soft around the edges, emotive, and highly idealized. My head was full of idyllic scenarios: quiet moments spent in the rocking chair with baby, days at the park soaking up sunshine with happy toddlers, countless explorations and adventures in the world of learning, fun-filled family vacations, evenings at the dining room table talking and laughing, and so on. I believed a parent's job was akin to that of a sculptor. I would 'raise' my children, shaping their futures with caring hands and guiding them to achieve their potential. I predicted that I would love my children dearly.

Once my boys arrived, I discovered that the reality of parenting was something else entirely. Much of what I'd imagined came to pass, but usually in different ways and with rougher edges. The peaceable, fuzzy world I'd envisioned was replaced by something bigger, more chaotic, and harder to steer. Unsurprisingly, I do love my sons dearly. In fact, if anything, I had underestimated how fiercely I would love them and how willingly I would fashion my life around them. I didn't foresee how deep my protective instincts would run, how intensely I would feel their pain and disappointments, and how strong the desire would be to clear their path of obstacles and struggle. I certainly didn't know how unrealistic my ideas about raising kids would turn out to be.

Now, as a mother of teenagers, it is clear to me that parental influence is a much less effective force than I'd expected. Throughout my sons' lives, I've tried to model the principles, behavior, and life choices I think are best, and I truly hope that a good deal of it will appeal and take root. But ultimately, each child is, and always has been, his own person. They were never putty in my hands. Each boy's unique personality has been in evidence since day one. They've had the same parents, home, rules and standards, schooling...same everything, yet they've always been as distinct and different as any two people could be. The choices they make reflect their individuality and their essential natures. With each passing year they've become more confident and independent and my advice and opinions have carried less weight. I've never stopped offering guidance and affection, but I no longer delude myself that I'm actually shaping who they are or where they'll end up. For the next few years, I'm just along for the ride, white-knuckled and wondering if we'll all get where we're going in one piece.

Yes, I knew I'd love them. It's the easiest thing in the world to do. It also makes everything harder.