14 posts tagged “life”

"It is not how old you are, but how you are old." 

–Jules Renard

Look at the first post you ever wrote on Vox. What important developments or changes have occurred in your life since then?
Submitted by Alexandra.

I've taken thousands of pictures,
read over a hundred books,
written countless words I probably would never have written otherwise.

I've learned to say more,
and at times, to say less.
From pseudonymous shelter, I've opened my heart and mind to the world.

I'm a a bit older and grayer,
with new lines on my face,
yet on the inside, where it really counts, I still feel like the same young kid.

I'm hopefully a little wiser,
possibly more cynical,
and at the same time, even more hopeful, grateful, and in love with life.

I spent the last week absolutely flattened by a very nasty flu bug. I accomplished nothing for days on end. Thankfully, I am finally starting to feel like myself again, but due to sickbed neglect, it seems my entire world is in disarray. If only there was a pause button that could put life on hold when we're sick and can't keep up the pace; but, no, it just rolls endlessly on around us while our unshouldered responsibilities mercilessly pile up in unstable heaps that threaten to collapse on our virus-clouded heads.

Time to roll up my sleeves and set things back in order. 

Before I became a parent, I had wonderful expectations and visions of family life that were soft around the edges, emotive, and highly idealized. My head was full of idyllic scenarios: quiet moments spent in the rocking chair with baby, days at the park soaking up sunshine with happy toddlers, countless explorations and adventures in the world of learning, fun-filled family vacations, evenings at the dining room table talking and laughing, and so on. I believed a parent's job was akin to that of a sculptor. I would 'raise' my children, shaping their futures with caring hands and guiding them to achieve their potential. I predicted that I would love my children dearly.

Once my boys arrived, I discovered that the reality of parenting was something else entirely. Much of what I'd imagined came to pass, but usually in different ways and with rougher edges. The peaceable, fuzzy world I'd envisioned was replaced by something bigger, more chaotic, and harder to steer. Unsurprisingly, I do love my sons dearly. In fact, if anything, I had underestimated how fiercely I would love them and how willingly I would fashion my life around them. I didn't foresee how deep my protective instincts would run, how intensely I would feel their pain and disappointments, and how strong the desire would be to clear their path of obstacles and struggle. I certainly didn't know how unrealistic my ideas about raising kids would turn out to be.

Now, as a mother of teenagers, it is clear to me that parental influence is a much less effective force than I'd expected. Throughout my sons' lives, I've tried to model the principles, behavior, and life choices I think are best, and I truly hope that a good deal of it will appeal and take root. But ultimately, each child is, and always has been, his own person. They were never putty in my hands. Each boy's unique personality has been in evidence since day one. They've had the same parents, home, rules and standards, schooling...same everything, yet they've always been as distinct and different as any two people could be. The choices they make reflect their individuality and their essential natures. With each passing year they've become more confident and independent and my advice and opinions have carried less weight. I've never stopped offering guidance and affection, but I no longer delude myself that I'm actually shaping who they are or where they'll end up. For the next few years, I'm just along for the ride, white-knuckled and wondering if we'll all get where we're going in one piece.

Yes, I knew I'd love them. It's the easiest thing in the world to do. It also makes everything harder.

What is the role of remorse in forgiveness? Is it necessary to be genuinely sorry in order to be forgiven? Is forgiveness a balm we offer in order to soothe and heal the remorse of another person?

When we forgive in the absence of remorse, who is served? Perhaps, in such a case, the balm is for our own injured feelings and our pride. If we are wronged and the person truly does not feel sorrow or distress over what they've done, we are faced with a choice: carry a grudge that may color or end our interactions with the individual (appropriate response in some situations), or 'be the bigger person' by forgiving despite the lack of remorse or apology so that we can coexist in harmony and save the the relationship. Maybe if we believe we've taken the high road by offering forgiveness, we're better able to absorb the blow to our pride. Personally, I sometimes find it harder to forgive the callousness and lack of feeling than the original offense in these situations.

...nothing like you!

"When I have kids, I won't be like you. I'm going to be a cool dad. A fun dad. No stupid rules. My kids are going to love me. I'll put Poison Control in the speed dial and just let 'em go. We'll have parties. I'll be their friend. I'll take 'em to strip clubs."

"Hmmmm. I wonder how your wife will feel about that."

"She won't care. She'll work there. Yeah. C'mon kids! Let's go see your mom at work."

Charming.

On my weaker days, it's tempting to throw in the towel and embrace the 'do whatever you want' brand of un-parenting (sans the strip club and pole-dancing spouse, perhaps). It would certainly be easier. It's exhausting trying keep my balance on that fine line between too much parenting and too little. Sure, I want my kids to develop independence and self-reliance, and of course I want them to make choices and learn from their mistakes. But at the same time, I want to keep them safe and help them steer clear of mistakes that fall into the brutal, life-altering category. I want them to be happy, enjoy life, and consider me a friend. But my first priority is to be a good parent, not a pal. It's kind of a drag to be uncool all the time, but too many of the 'cool' things seem like a truly bad idea to me now that I'm 'old' and 'square'. I don't want to have too many rules, but I think having too few is even worse. I want to trust them, but rebellion and stealth seem to be teenage raisons d'être. Yeah. Who knew raising kids would be so tough? (Other than my parents.) I'd like an instruction manual, please.

A comment on my Live Happy post prompted this thinking-aloud foray into family relationships.

We don't choose our parents or siblings, our grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and so on. (Likewise, with the obvious exceptions, they don't choose us.) The family group we grow up in is largely an accident of birth. Once we reach adulthood, I think it's absolutely reasonable to hold family members to the same standards that apply to the other important people in our lives. Yes, blood is thicker than water: it seems only fair to extend the benefit of the doubt more generously and forgive more easily than we might with a friend; however, I don't feel a free pass is in order solely due to familial ties. If a relationship with a relative, even a parent, is truly toxic and cannot be mended, cut the cord, harsh as that may sound.

I say 'once we reach adulthood' particularly because I am a mother of teens. Adolescence is a turbulent time, with more than its share of clashes and volatile parent/child relationships. Anger or frustration with a parent is to be expected, but is generally specific to the process of growing up and not indicative of irreconcilable issues. I genuinely hope that I will have a positive life-long relationship with my sons, but once they've left the nest, they don't owe me a close relationship just because I'm their mother. I'll always need to do my best to be deserving of their respect and affection.

A person who decides to end a relationship with a family member has it tough. They have to deal not only with the self-doubt born of any difficult decision, but also with societal disapproval. A friend or colleague who learns of the family rift is likely to probe and offer unsolicited advice, believing that 'forgive and forget' is always best for families. In my view, the closest ties are sometimes the very ones that cut most deeply.

I recently read Unclutter Your Life. It goes well beyond tips for cleaning out your closet (although that's in there). The book is divided into three sections that discuss the physical, mental, and emotional clutter in our lives. The following passage about toxic relationships struck me as pertinent to postings from some of my Vox neighbors on relationship challenges, forgiveness, and putting an end to unhealthy or unsatisfying interactions.

"Sometimes a situation can be so destructive that we may need to limit contact or even drop a relationship. This can be tough, especially if it involves someone with whom we share a long history. But it's quality and not the length of the relationship that matters. When things cease to be healthy, we have to preserve our mental and spiritual well-being."

I'm a firm believer that we bear personal responsibility for the quality of our lives. Relationships are a huge part of the life experience. I think it's vital to seek out positive relationships and avoid or end those that are overwhelmingly negative. Life's too short to spend it with people who consistently show disrespect, contravene our values, bring us down, stress us out, or sap our strength.

While there are instances when it's best to sever ties, there are definitely times when it's appropriate to forgive and let go of resentment or hurt. I've had occasion to take both paths, and I made the decision based on the overall quality of the relationship rather than the impact of a particular incident or transgression.

I don't think we should take the pursuit of our own happiness to the point where we become selfish and cruel. I do believe a moderate level of self-interest and desire for harmony and contentment is healthy.