29 posts tagged “sons”

Before I became a parent, I had wonderful expectations and visions of family life that were soft around the edges, emotive, and highly idealized. My head was full of idyllic scenarios: quiet moments spent in the rocking chair with baby, days at the park soaking up sunshine with happy toddlers, countless explorations and adventures in the world of learning, fun-filled family vacations, evenings at the dining room table talking and laughing, and so on. I believed a parent's job was akin to that of a sculptor. I would 'raise' my children, shaping their futures with caring hands and guiding them to achieve their potential. I predicted that I would love my children dearly.

Once my boys arrived, I discovered that the reality of parenting was something else entirely. Much of what I'd imagined came to pass, but usually in different ways and with rougher edges. The peaceable, fuzzy world I'd envisioned was replaced by something bigger, more chaotic, and harder to steer. Unsurprisingly, I do love my sons dearly. In fact, if anything, I had underestimated how fiercely I would love them and how willingly I would fashion my life around them. I didn't foresee how deep my protective instincts would run, how intensely I would feel their pain and disappointments, and how strong the desire would be to clear their path of obstacles and struggle. I certainly didn't know how unrealistic my ideas about raising kids would turn out to be.

Now, as a mother of teenagers, it is clear to me that parental influence is a much less effective force than I'd expected. Throughout my sons' lives, I've tried to model the principles, behavior, and life choices I think are best, and I truly hope that a good deal of it will appeal and take root. But ultimately, each child is, and always has been, his own person. They were never putty in my hands. Each boy's unique personality has been in evidence since day one. They've had the same parents, home, rules and standards, schooling...same everything, yet they've always been as distinct and different as any two people could be. The choices they make reflect their individuality and their essential natures. With each passing year they've become more confident and independent and my advice and opinions have carried less weight. I've never stopped offering guidance and affection, but I no longer delude myself that I'm actually shaping who they are or where they'll end up. For the next few years, I'm just along for the ride, white-knuckled and wondering if we'll all get where we're going in one piece.

Yes, I knew I'd love them. It's the easiest thing in the world to do. It also makes everything harder.

...nothing like you!

"When I have kids, I won't be like you. I'm going to be a cool dad. A fun dad. No stupid rules. My kids are going to love me. I'll put Poison Control in the speed dial and just let 'em go. We'll have parties. I'll be their friend. I'll take 'em to strip clubs."

"Hmmmm. I wonder how your wife will feel about that."

"She won't care. She'll work there. Yeah. C'mon kids! Let's go see your mom at work."

Charming.

On my weaker days, it's tempting to throw in the towel and embrace the 'do whatever you want' brand of un-parenting (sans the strip club and pole-dancing spouse, perhaps). It would certainly be easier. It's exhausting trying keep my balance on that fine line between too much parenting and too little. Sure, I want my kids to develop independence and self-reliance, and of course I want them to make choices and learn from their mistakes. But at the same time, I want to keep them safe and help them steer clear of mistakes that fall into the brutal, life-altering category. I want them to be happy, enjoy life, and consider me a friend. But my first priority is to be a good parent, not a pal. It's kind of a drag to be uncool all the time, but too many of the 'cool' things seem like a truly bad idea to me now that I'm 'old' and 'square'. I don't want to have too many rules, but I think having too few is even worse. I want to trust them, but rebellion and stealth seem to be teenage raisons d'être. Yeah. Who knew raising kids would be so tough? (Other than my parents.) I'd like an instruction manual, please.

Me:  Sleeper, do you think you could find your copy of Night? Antic's going to need it soon. Miss Temornin mentioned they're going to read it as a class assignment.

Sleeper:  Yeah, sure I'll look for it. I dunno where it is, though.

Antic, highly exasperated:  Why are we always reading books in that class?!

Me & Sleeper, in unison:  "It's an English class!"

Silly kid.

Antic needs to read a couple of books before school starts, so I pulled up my city library's website and called him over. I searched for the first book, and pulled up the record.
"This is one of the books you need, right?"
"Yeah."
"Okay. I'm going to have it transferred over to our branch and we'll pick it up there."
I typed in my name and library card number, and submitted the request.
"Oh. My. God. Mom. You've memorized your library card number? You are such a square!"

Meatless Meals For Working People: Quick And Easy Vegetarian Recipes (Meatless Meals for Working Peo

"Hey, Tall. Look at this book I borrowed from the library. I was thinking we could give some of these recipes a try. What do you think?"
"But I like meat."
"I know. But it wouldn't hurt to cut back. Maybe two or three times a week we could try meals without meat? Or I could, anyway. You guys don't have to."
Tall flips idly through the recipes. "You know the problem with vegetarian meals?"
"No. What?"
"Beans. I don't like beans."
"Not really my favorite either. But there's other stuff besides beans. Just not tofu. I don't like tofu."
"Yuck."
"Hmmm. Eggplant. I like eggplant."
"Blech."
"Tempeh? I've never tried that. I wonder how it tastes."
Antic walks in.
"Is mom trying to turn us into vegetarians? I don't wanna be a vegetarian."
"I'm not trying to turn you into anything, Antic. It's not a big deal. I'm just suggesting we cut back on meat. That's all."
"But I like meat. Why would anybody want to give up meat? It's good."
Well, there are actually a lot of good reasons. Environmental concerns. Animal welfare. Better health. Food safety issues. When we watched Fast Food Nation, you said it grossed you out."
"I'm over it. I want a big juicy steak, right now."

::sigh::

Somehow, blogging and AKAs came up at home the other day. The conversation went something like this:

Me: "You're all practically famous on my blog, you know. Especially you."

Antic:  "Whaaaat? Why am I famous?"

Me: "Mostly for using your cell phone from the bathroom to let me know you needed toilet paper."

Antic: "Great. Thanks, Mom. I guess it WAS pretty funny, though."

Me: "It was. And don't worry, hon, it's not like people actually know you: I've given you each an alias. Dad's is Tall, yours is Antic, and your brother's is Sleeper."

Tall: "Ha. I think you should've called us Fat Ass, Rebel, and Gamer."

Me: "Ooooh, you're mean. Funny, but mean. I think I'll stick with what I've got."

Sleeper: "What do you call him?" (pointing to the cat)

Me: "Um. Well, just 'the cat', actually. I haven't given him a name."

Sleeper: "You should call him Karl. Yeah, Karl. That's so cool. Hey! We should change his name to Karl, for real."

Antic: "Yeah. Karl's an awesome name for a cat!"

Me: "You can't change his name! He knows his name, you guys."

Sleeper: "Nah. We can change it. Watch!"
He goes and gets a package of cat treats.
"C'mere, Karl. Want a treat? Mmmmm......"

Guess who runs right over for a treat? Yup. Meow. Everyone cracks up.

Me: "Stop! You're going to confuse the poor guy."

Sleeper: "Nah. Karl, want to play? Here's your ball. Go get it, Karl."

Naturally, the insouciant critter bounds off after it. (It's his favorite game - he'll chase and fetch his bouncy ball until he's exhausted.) Tall is busting a gut. I don't think it's healthy to laugh that hard.

Antic: "See, Mom, we can change his name."

Poor Karl.

under the rug

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Antic's 'girlfriend' got mad at him for flirting with other girls. I asked him if she was still upset.

"Nah. She can't stay mad at me."

"You sound just like your dad." Tall is grinning at this, because it's true.

"Yeah. She was like 'I'm really mad at you' and then 5 minutes later everything was fine. I'm irresistible."

"And humble. In fact, I think humility is one of your best qualities."

"I think sarcasm is one of your best qualities, Mom."

"Damn," Sleeper says, "I was just going to say that."

Another enchanting conversation with Antic.

there's even a halo

"Ugh, my hair is bugging me today. Oh yeah, Mom, we're almost out of shampoo."

"I noticed that. There's a full bottle downstairs, by the way."

"Yup. I like to use a lot of shampoo, ya know. To make it silky. I have hair like an angel."

"Who told you that?"

"I made it up. I compliment myself."